• Rachel Loechelt

“The Five Love Languages” Learn You and Your Partner’s Love Language.

I’d like to extend my sincere appreciation for a book I just finished called, “The 5 Love Languages” written by Dr. Gary Chapman. I must say, for a concept so easy to understand, many relationships and marriages still fail. I whole heatedly believe everything he says to be true. Applying this concept to your relationship may seem simple… but it’s not always easy.

After counseling couples for over a decade, Dr. Gary Chapman concluded that there are five major categories each couple fell into when expressing their own needs and needs of their partners. He evaluated every failing relationship and got to the bottom of, “Why doesn’t my husband spend more time with me?” and “Why doesn’t my wife love me anymore?” The relentless time and effort these couples attempted to make their partners happy with no success lead Dr. Chapman to theorize the most basic, yet mind blowing strategy of all. 

Let us reflect on “love” for a moment. Being in love is first an overwhelming obsession during the courting stage and often falls dormant around 2 years into the relationship. After the “New Relationship Energy” fades, love becomes a choice. Love isn’t always sunshine, rainbows, and butterflies. Love can feel content, still, or stale after time. That does not mean you are not in love anymore. When those feeling become the reality, love becomes a choice. You must put in work, communicate, and learn to understand the person you fell in love with. As a couple, each individual may tend to fall back into their old ways prior to beginning the relationship. Only then, you have to make the commitment to understand your partners needs as they must do the same for you.

It can be difficult to understand your partners needs. Often times, one side of the relationship feels they’ve done everything to get their partner to comply and help fix their failing partnership. I truly believe “The 5 Love Languages” explains why your relationship is failing and what we need to do to repair it. More times than not, failing relationships happen because one person doesn’t understand how to love their partner. Well, this makes complete sense considering not everyone loves or receives love the same way.

Dr. Gary Chapman explains that there is a reason we all view love differently. This has everything to do with our upbringing as a child. Some children are shown love through words of affirmation. Others children are shown love through gifts, quality time, or physical touch. Later in life, even if we don’t realize it at first, we carry these expectations of love and execute them to our partners. We become frustrated and confused when our partners don’t reciprocate love the same way we deal it. Love isn’t always a universal language. If you want your relationship to work, you have to understand your partners specific love language. Even if it’s not how YOU would like to receive love, your partner registers these acts as their own way of receiving love.

Here are the 5 Love Languages:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Acts of Service

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Quality Time

5. Physical Touch

Understanding your partners needs stems down to asking them what it is they need to be fulfilled in the relationship, remembering what it is you two fight about, or the requests your partner often makes. 

1. If your partner says, “You don’t hold my hand or kiss me goodbye anymore.”, chances are, they crave physical touch

2. If your partner wishes you’d clean up around the house more or fix broken appliances, they may view acts of service as a sign of love. 

3. If one partner is always at work and never seems to be present for important events or simply a debriefing of the day, the other partner may receive love in terms of quality time spent together.

4. If your partner gets a pep in their step when they receive compliments or requests you say more romantic things to them, chances are they view love with words of affirmation. 

5. Maybe your partner loves to receive gifts such as notes, flowers, food, or small acts of kindness given to them as tangible objects. You very well may conclude they view receiving gifts as an act of showing love.  

If you try implementing these gestures of love into your relationship based on what you believe your partner values the most, you will find an appreciative spouse. You will most likely discover your partner cherishing these acts of love and start to wonder what it is they can do for you. 

Implementing this new strategy into your relationship might take a bit of time. You’ll be surprised how enlightened your partner will feel and often times, as Dr. Gary Chapman expresses, the partner receiving love in their own language will start to feel a desire and motivation to fulfill your love desires.

In conclusion, every individual expects to receive love in their own way. Often times, they tend to give love in the same way they wish to be loved. A husband may work hard and spend long hours away making a fortune for his wife. Unfortunately, his wife may place more value on quality time with him and start to resent him for working so many long hours. The husband might say, “I provide for her, why is she so ungrateful?” When truth be told, his wife may not care about having lots of money. She would rather her husband be more present in her life. Understanding your partners love language might not make sense to you at all. In some circumstances, laundry equals love. It is not up to you to decide what acts will fulfill your partners needs. You must listen to them and tend to their own specific love language. Only then will you have a balanced, loving, and fulfilling relationship.

Learn more about The Five Love Languages: 


Take their quiz to find out your Love Language:


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